How to Be Heard In A Conversation
If you are not being heard...
Insight: I recently observed the following conversation:
Pat: We need to discuss hiring a new project manager.
Samuel: We've already discussed this. We all know that we can't. We need to hire a programmer.
Pat: A project manager is essential to succeed.
Samuel: We can't spend our limited budget on a team member that's not programming.
Pat: The problem is that we're not getting our projects done. Our folks are running in circles and they need a manager.
Samuel: No, we need another programmer to get the work done.
In this conversation, neither Pat nor Samuel were listening. They were simply repeating their opinion over and over again--each time a little bit louder or with a new point. This is a typical pattern when conflict arises.
When people feel that their opinion has been ignored, most people either:
Make their point even stronger--with more force or with new evidence.
Give up and move on to another topic, even though they still disagree.
Over and over again, these are the two moves that people tend to make. However, neither is effective. The first causes the conversation to escalate, and the second just saves the problem for later.
Key Action: If you are not being heard, stop trying to prove your point and start listening. When the other person feels heard, they'll be ready to listen to what you want to say.
People in conversations have two modes: send or receive. If both people are in send mode, which is typical of conversations with conflict, no real communication is taking place. If the person you are talking with is in "send mode," you won't be able to influence them because they're not listening to you.
It's like talking on walkie-talkies. If both people are pushing the "talk" button, nobody can hear anything. Someone has to take their finger off the talk button for communication to begin.
In order for the situation to de-escalate and a resolution to be found, switch from send mode to receive mode, and listen to the other person. Once they feel heard, you'll be able to more effectively communicate your point. And you'll also be more persuasive because you will better understand their perspective and what's important to them.
In the situation above, Pat could have changed the dynamic of the conversation if he had started to listen:
"Help me understand why you want to hire another programmer rather than a project manager?"
Once Samuel felt heard, Pat can then share his perspective:
"OK, now that I understand why you want to hire a programmer, are you willing to listen to why I think a project manager is a priority?"
When someone feels heard, they typically reciprocate and are open to listening. So if you want your point to be heard, listen first. Then, when you express your point-of-view, they will actually be listening.
