When Arguing, Find The Common Ground

Rather than arguing about your opinion, listen and refocus on the big picture—where do you have common ground and where do you differ? Define a process to explore the differences together.

Insight: When different opinions arise, people often spend a lot of time trying to prove their point, and conversations quickly turn unproductive. These conversations are characterized by defensiveness, interruptions, and viewpoint attacks.

Here's a recent example of two executives arguing about next year's product line.

Samantha: You're taking too much risk. We have a proven line of products, so let's stick with what works. 

Andrew: You're joking. If we don't innovate, we won't keep up with the market. 

Samantha: Our customers want to know that our products have been proven. It's important to them. 

Andrew: And if we don't stay ahead, we'll become just like everybody else.

The argument wasn't going anywhere. Each person was locked up in proving their point.

Key Action: Rather than arguing about your opinion, listen and refocus on the big picture--where do you have common ground and where do you differ? Define a process to explore the differences together. 

Samantha broke the stalemate:

Samantha: Andy, it seems like we both want to maximize sales. I am focusing on using proven products while you are focusing on using innovative products. Is this right? 

Andy: Yes. 

Samantha: OK, given that we have a common goal, let's explore each other's strategies. How about if we start by exploring your perspective and strategy, and then we look at some of the things that I see. Would that work for you? 

Andy: Sure.

By calling out what was happening, Samantha brought attention back to their partnership and what they are trying to accomplish together. In this case, they both wanted to maximize sales, but they had different approaches. Re-establishing the common ground reminds people that everybody is on the same team, and creates a reason to listen and work together to solve the challenge. 

When in an argument, it's important to have common ground in your bigger-picture goals, before discussing details or next steps. If you find yourself arguing about details, step back and look at the bigger picture--where do you have underlying common goals and where do your goals differ? Create alignment around your goals before discussing tactics. 

So, when you find yourself locked in an argument, get the conversation back on track by: 

• Listening generously. 

• Summarizing the common ground and where you may differ. 

• Defining a process to explore differences, first in the goal, then in the approaches. 

These moves can turn an antagonistic conversation into a productive one where everyone is working together to solve the challenge.