The Pitfall of Assuming you Understand

The Pitfall of Assuming you Understand 

For clarity, restate what you heard and ask the other person if you understood correctly. Beware of assuming you know what they meant.

Insight: I was recently facilitating an executive retreat for a medium-sized manufacturing company. Two of the team members--John and Greg--starting to argue fiercely about a complex decision and it quickly became unproductive. I paused the conversation and setup a process to fully understand each person's perspective. Greg gave me his permission to start with John.

Me: "John, let me see if I understand what you are saying," and I proceeded to say back to him what I had heard about his perspective. 

John: "No, that's not it at all!" And he told me again his point-of-view. 

Me: "OK, so what you're saying is..." and once again, I tried to repeat back to him what I was hearing. 

John: "NO! That's NOT what I'm saying." 

I was a bit surprised that I still hadn't heard him correctly, but after one more try, I was able to repeat back to him his perspective. I knew that I had finally understood him when John said, "Yes, that's what I'm saying." 

The conversation with Greg was similar and it took me a few tries until Greg said that I understood what he was saying. At that point, I looked at what John said, then at what Greg said, and it seemed like they were saying the exact same thing. To their surprise, they agreed--they really had the same point-of-view all along. They were just misunderstanding each other and arguing fiercely about it! 

Key Action: For clarity, restate what you heard and ask the other person if you understood correctly. Beware of assuming you know what they meant. 

So often, we think we understood what the other person said, when in fact, we didn't. This can often cause arguments, misunderstandings, breakdowns, and lost trust. In any critical communication, make sure that you paraphrase what you heard so that you know you both are on the same page. 

For example, I'm currently training to be a pilot. When I get clearance from the tower to enter an active runway, I repeat that clearance back to the tower. That way, the tower knows that I heard the clearance correctly, and I am absolutely sure that I'm not about to get in the way of a large jumbo jet on final approach! 

People often think that replicating or paraphrasing slows down the conversation and is a waste of time. However, by replicating, we avoid the misunderstandings and rework that consume far more time. 

Some good times to replicate are when: 

• Confusion exists 

• You disagree with what the other side is saying or are having difficulty listening 

• You are feeling impatient or irritated 

• You think you've reached agreement around an issue 

• A commitment is being made. 

There are also other benefits. Just accurately replicating what the speaker said without resistance or judgment sometimes gives the speaker a new insight into the subject. When I work with executives on strategic plans, often just paraphrasing back to them what I heard helps them get new insights and a bigger picture of their strategic priorities. 

Overall, we often think we understand what the other person has said, even though we haven't. After all, we all listen through our own "filters." If you restate what the other person has said before moving on to the next aspect of the dialogue, you will be checking your assumptions and your conversations will be more productive. Although it may take a bit of time upfront, by ensuring clarity, you are avoiding the pitfalls of miscommunication and saving a lot of time and energy.